WANTON DISTRACTION JUNE 2008

Review by Matt Goldberg

Peter Jackson has taken time away from working on his upcoming film, "The Lovely Bones", to invite you and all your friends in Middle-Earth to ask him and Guillemo Del Toro questions about the upcoming "Hobbit" films. They will answer the top twenty most frequently asked questions, so for those of you that wanted to know why Tom Bombadil wasn't in "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, I'll go ahead and field that one right now: because he was fucking stupid and no one cared about him except you.  I also wouldn’t ask the following questions:

• Will Andy Serkis return as Gollum? (probably)
• Will Ian McKellan return as Gandalf? (probably)
• Do you feel stupid since you destroyed Bag-End and returned the area to boring countryside and now you'll have to rebuild it? (user banned from chat)

While the music of Amy Winehouse has received strong critical acclaim, she's a singer that carries a lot of baggage and now that she's been signed to write and perform the theme for the upcoming James Bond film, "Quantum of Solace".  So as you sit and watch the opening credits of the movie, and you suddenly hear this massive snorting sound, that's why.

Richard Dreyfuss has signed on to play Dick Cheney in Oliver Stone’s upcoming George W. Bush biopic, “W”.  Dreyfuss was approached for the role because he’s known around Hollywood as a serious actor looking for meaty, dramatic roles he can sink his teeth into.  Also, he has a penchant for shooting people in the face. 

Jake Gyllenhaal has finally decided that he wants some of the proverbial “fat cash” and since appearing in serious movies is only earning him bullshit critical acclaim (that noise won’t buy you a jet-ski), it’s time to saddle up to a big old blockbuster.  The blockbuster will be Gore Verbinski (the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy) adaptation of the popular videogame series, “Prince of Persia”.  The clearly Persian Gyllenhaal was the clear choice for the pick as any actor who may have been from Iran would clearly be a terrorist.  And people don’t want terrorists as their action heroes.  There have been studies.

Warner Bros. proves that they’re the studio with either the best sense of humor or the worst casting agents imaginable because for their upcoming thriller, “28th Amendment” they’re getting Tom Cruise to play THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.  I can buy a stupid President.  I’ve had to for the past eight years (ba-zing!), but I’m not sure I can buy a bug-fuck insane President.

Samuel L. Jackson has found a spare moment between making films and making films to make another film.  His new movie will be “Unthinkable” where he has only two days to stop terrorists from launching a nuclear attack.  Jackson and a female partner will have to interrogate their only suspect by any means necessary.  The studio that signed on for the film has never heard of “24”, “Jack Bauer”, or “Republican Talking Points Regarding Torture”.

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